Just stand still...

Today I went and had my final Pre-Op inbody check at the gym and in just 4 weeks of switching my diet, I'm down 12lbs and 2% body fat and my muscle mass barely changed. Just in time. I was also running some last minute errands today, jamming Noah Cyrus, because...SHE'S AMAZING and the SUPERIOR Cyrus sister, and my favorite came on, Noah (Stand Still). It's such a beautiful song about her trying to get sober and the sound advice to live on to stay that way. While listening, it just reminds me of the journey I've taken with 18 years under my belt. I can understand how she feels, it's hard overcoming addiction. Then once you're sober, you still feel like crap, it's not like you just magically feel better. There are so many expectations to just get up and start moving at the pace society expects you to move at and it can seem overwhelming to rebuild which can just result in relapse without the right support.

Getting sober for me took YEARS to rebuild. Then after you regain some trust and get on your feet, you still feel like, what are you doing with your life? Not only that, but the weight that I gained after was tenfold from where I was at in high school because I replaced drugs with food. Then I started thinking about how changing my habits and lifestyle has led me to where I'm at now and how literally in less than 48 hours a huge part of me is about to be gone. Just gone. Mentally that is a strange thing to feel. I mean, I want it gone, but it's still weird. I'm slightly worried about how I'll feel afterwards you know? Like, will I still feel like i'm the same size? I hear that happens. This isn't like I had that body once and had a baby or just got a little big and lost it. I've NEVER not had a stomach. I've been this way as long as I can remember. I said in the beginning that this was my goal to do this but I never thought I actually would. I never thought I'd be able to afford it, take off work for it, manage it. It was like a pipedream. I'm so grateful that I have friends/family to help me when I get back from the hospital, a job that is in full support and working with me to be able to recover, friends and coworkers cheering me on and that I'm financially able to afford it (well, sort of, it may be a forever payment, but worth it).

It seems like it's here so quickly and all moving so fast but it's literally been 6 whole months since the consultation. Then I reverted back to Noah Cyrus, and took some deep breaths, just stand still.

"Just stand still and watch the sunset bleed

With only dirt under your feet to feel, just stand still

Sixty-seven thousand miles an hour around the sun

And that is how it feels, just stand still

In a universe that's infinite

Yet everything gets lost in it

You will just stand still

You'll be right, you'll be wrong, you'll be fine

'Cause life goes on and on, until, until"

No matter what is going on around you or how fast things are moving, sometimes you just have to stop and breathe.